these moments that I've had.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003  

Yay! We can all now visit Toronto.

posted by Darren | 7:31 PM

Tuesday, April 29, 2003  

Dave's back from Blackpool at last. Edward missed him. Then barked at him when he came through the door. How soon they forget.

Wayne Sleep has just GOT TO win 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!'

Comedy value. 30 feet up in the air in a harness(not for the first time, I bet) and he still has time to decide what to do with his spare hand. He places it oh so elegantly on his leg. If only Kenneth Williams were alive today and desperate for cash.

And YES, EXCELLENT, Wayne has been chosen to do the next Bushtucker Trial - trapped in a cage-tunnel full of rats. I can't wait for Wednesday night. Trashy TV to clear the cobwebs.

posted by Darren | 9:08 PM

Monday, April 28, 2003  

We fell in love with this car when we were in Spain. And in this colour.

posted by Darren | 11:09 PM

"Come on Zebra. Pick up the radio. I got one for ya. Come on Zebra, PICK UP THE RADIO, push the button on the side and speak into the front".

"Whats the Frequency Kenneth?"

Bringing Out The Dead is on TV tonight.

"Open up the win-da'.....'n let me breathe."

posted by Darren | 10:56 PM

I watched Insomnia last night, which had some better moments than Insomnia, but overrall wasn't as good. Pacino, Swank, Williams and Nolan just have too much talent (and enough money behind them, of course).

posted by Darren | 9:42 PM

If you can't trust a policeman, who can you trust?

I wonder what outgoing President of the NRA, the alzheimers-riddled Charlton Heston, would have to say about this.

posted by Darren | 9:16 PM

All I can say is that I hope the cleaners gave the floors a good scrub before the store opened yesterday morning.

posted by Darren | 8:26 PM

Sunday, April 27, 2003  

Schoolboy humour over. Just made me giggle. Grow up.

Dave's just driven off to Blackpool. Edward is pining already. He does this when one of us leaves the house. When we both have to leave, it's not quite heartbreaking, but there is a definite twinge. He seems to have settled in real quick, getting into a routine. Seems to love us both. We love him.

He is now at the top of the stairs, looking down - watching, waiting.

A friend told me that dogs don't have any real sense of time, that there is an amount of time after the owner leaves the house, during which they will pine. Then something will get their attention - something going on outside the house that they will focus on, maybe bark at, if that is their inclination, and they will know only this event for the time being. It could be a fly, flying round the house. It might be a new nook in a room we don't spend too much time in, they will need to investigate and will be pre-occupied with that for a while. They will then lie down and think doggie thoughts.

They will eventually turn their attention to the front door again, watching and waiting.

He's just gone for a wander and a sniff.

posted by Darren | 1:23 PM

Friday, April 25, 2003  

I wanna see your pussy - everybody says it's nice
Can I come and visit - I'll be at your house tonight
They tell me it's soft to touch and really smooth
I can hardly wait to feel that pussy too
You wanna play with pussy all the time
To hide that kinda pussy is a crime
You say your pussy's clever and so slick
But I think that your pussy's kinda sick

I wanna bet your pussy ain't as pretty as mine
I don't hide my pussy like you do all the time
My pussy's just the sweetest thing that you've ever seen
Compared to mine your pussy's really ugly and mean
I bring my pussy everywhere I go
To watch my little pussy is a show
You say your pussy's clever and so slick
But I think that your pussy's really thick

She turns into a tiger when she's ready to eat
My pussy's always hungry for a big chunk of meat
So lay your little pussy right next to mine
You can bring her over round dinnertime
My pussy is the hippest thing around
She's always been the talk of the town
You say your pussy's clever and so slick
But I think that your pussy's mighty thick (miaoww, baby)

I wanna see your pussy show it to me
Let me see your pussy show it to me
Show me your pussy show it to me
I wanna pet your pussy show it to me

His name is Felix.

posted by Darren | 9:46 PM

Thursday, April 24, 2003  

Police have finally stopped the prodigious Wisconsin thong thief. A 22-year-old college student, was arrested early Sunday morning after breaking into a Wisconsin home in search of underwear. When he was pinched, he was not carrying any hot panties, but did admit to previously breaking into the property, which is home to eight college-age women (those gals reported that their crib had been burglarized last Thanksgiving and during this year's Spring Break). When officers later executed a search warrant at the suspect's home, they discovered a whopping 854 pairs of thong underwear, which investigators found stuffed everywhere - in shoe boxes, a briefcase, and even a Pokemon lunch pail.

posted by Darren | 8:47 PM

Wednesday, April 23, 2003  

Am incredibly tired today. People at work think its because we flew back from Spain(all of 2.25 hours away by Boeing 737-300) on Monday this week. We didn't. THAT was LAST week and we've had a whole week at home doing not very much.

Maybe it's due to staying up late every night sat at my PC, doing nothing more productive than surfing, reading blogs. Maybe its due to now having to get up half an hour earlier every day to walk Edward(I'm notoriously bad at getting out of bed at the best of times, but couple it with having to do it earlier and having a job I am not keen on at the moment(workload=VERY HEAVY) and you have a recipe for narcolepsy waiting to happen). Maybe its due to walking Edward in the evening when I'm used to coming home and sitting at my PC(as described above) or on the sofa watching worthless TV. Maybe its due to being incredibly unfit in whats left of my youth.

Maybe I'm Amazed. Has everyone seen the airbrushed photo of Paul McCartney(this ISN'T the image cos I searched and searched and got annoyed then bored) on the back of his new Live album? (Chorus of "Why would we even pick up that CD and take a look at the back?!"). He is very wrinkly in real life. Vanity (un)Fair.

And what is it with the thumbs up all the time?

posted by Darren | 10:24 PM

So I went into a bar
Looking for sympathy
A little company
I tried to find a friend
It's more easily said
It's always been the same
This type of modern life
Is not for me
This type of modern life
Is not for free

Well, I like it.

posted by Darren | 9:41 PM

Tuesday, April 22, 2003  

I was just thinking:

Suzanne Vega
Suzanne Vega (1985)

I believe right now if I could
I would swallow you whole
I would leave only bones and teeth
We could see what was underneath
And you would be free then

Once I thought only tears could make us free
Salt wearing down to the bone
Like sand against the stone
Against the shoreline

I am friend to the undertow
I take you in, I don't let go
And now I have you

I wanted to learn all the secrets
From the edge of a knife
From the point of a needle
From a diamond
From a bullet in flight
I would be free then

I am friend to the undertow
I take you in, I don't let go
And now I have you

I wanted to see how it would feel
To be that sleek
And instead I find this hunger's
Made me week

I believe right now if I could
I would swallow you whole
I would leave only bones and teeth
We could see what was underneath
And you would be free then

I am friend to the undertow
I take you in, I don't let go
And now I have you

I am friend to the undertow
I take you in, I don't let go
And now I have you

posted by Darren | 9:20 PM

My mom, sorry, 'my mum', sent me a cheque for £100 to cover the cost of the speeding ticket I got in their town when we visited them a couple of months back. I got the car tax renewal form in from the DVLA today - £105. I'm £5 up - woo hoo!

posted by Darren | 9:01 PM

Monday, April 21, 2003  

Lazy Easter Monday Afternoon
Dave has today been posting old books on e:bay. I have been continuing to catch up on blogs from the week we were in Spain. I feel I am wasting my days, I spent most of Easter Sunday doing this as well. We had 'Valley of the Dolls' on while doing this, though, so makes it less of a waste. Doesn't it?

Loads of great, camp scenes in this film. My favourite: Old star, Helen Lawson(Susan Hayward) seeks refuge in the Ladies Powder Room of a theatre, from her old adversary Neely O'Hara(a younger Barbara Parkins). Neely follows her in and their usual spat ensues:

Neely O'Hara: "Makes a change from the fags you usually hang around with."
Helen Lawson: "At least I didn't have to marry one!"
Neely O'Hara: "Why, you..."
They start fighting and Neely grabs Helen's red hair, pulling off a wig to reveal bright white hair(looks better than the red in my opinion - think later Lauren Bacall).
Neely O'Hara: "It's a wig! Her hair's as fake as she is!"
Neely then does a runner with the red wig, locks herself in a cubicle and throws the wig down the toilet.

posted by Darren | 2:53 PM

Watercolour Boy's rectum stretcher story made me laugh.

The Rectum Stretcher

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting for me. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: $ 95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!

posted by Darren | 2:34 PM

Sunday, April 20, 2003  

Happy Easter.

posted by Darren | 5:11 PM

Saturday, April 19, 2003  

The Mrs Slocombe Pussy Collection
Prompted by Rob's photo of Mollie Sugden on his blog today, in full character as Mrs Slocombe from the 1970's British TV comedy classic 'Are You Being Served', you must take a look at The Mrs Slocombe Pussy Collection if you enjoy British seaside-Carry On-type humour and are of a certain age, ie. were around in the seventies when this series started its run. Repeated many times and still in syndication worldwide, so you youngsters may know of it, or love it also.

Rob is the big fan of the programme, but Mrs Slocombe's lines, in particular, always make me smile, and after the early stress of dog ownership this week, a much needed shot of humour.

posted by Darren | 9:44 PM

Thursday, April 17, 2003  

Richard and I used to be at each other's throats. It used to drive Rob to distraction.

Dave and Lucio were like that today. I was driven to distraction.

Tom didn't seem to notice - "They're always like that".

Edward didn't notice, he's a dog.

posted by Darren | 5:10 PM

Wednesday, April 16, 2003  

Edward lives with David and Darren
Edward, the long-haired Jack Russell, barked at us, from his kennel in Battersea Dogs Home, and we knew he was the one. He was wary and suspicious. He came around slowly during our time with him at the Home. The first night was a little strange for all three of us, but our first full day together, in the glorious weather we brought back from Spain, has seen Edward settling in and relaxing around us. He is getting to know our friend, Lucio, and will have the same opportunity with other friends over the Easter Weekend at one of Lucio's famous BBQs. Except Lucio just had a bone removed from his hip and put into his wrist, to help him recover from a motorcycle accident injury, so it's down to me and Dave to cook. I'm sure Lucio will have an opinion on how it should be done and will direct proceedings from his sick-chair.

If he gets too cocky, we'll set Edward on him.

posted by Darren | 6:52 PM

Given the choice between Andalucia and death, I choose death.
- Virginia Woolf.

Well, near enough. Being a little unfair on Andalucia there. I should have said "Given the choice between Yunquera and death, I choose death." It was a little too rustic and a little too "the real Spain". We were climbing the walls by Day 3. Just to get to other villages, to look at other houses for sale, or just to take a look around, meant the same arduous, windey journey in the 16-valve diesel-powered monster which the hire-car company kindly(and we were grateful when it happened) upgraded us to when we arrived at Malaga Airport. A little strain was put on the designated driver. The fun of the drive evaporating by the time we did it for the sixth time.

Day 4 saw us move to the coast and civilisation. Staying in Torremolinos, with trips to Malaga, Fuengirola, Benalmedena and Nerja, was what we needed to get over the open prison we stayed in, in Yunquera. To be fair, if you're gonna stay in Yunquera, and it does have its good points, mainly being a great base for hiking in the Sierra Las Nieves National Park in the Sierra Nevada, then the Hotel Asension (the only hotel in the village) offers great food(and wine) and comfortable rooms, as long as you pack something warm if off-season(the room was freezing, even though the days were warm) and as long as the sun shines, to enable the solar panels to heat some water for your shower. Food, though, was great and we enjoyed the company of Mrs Eileen Edmunds, from Liverpool(via Portugal and Athens, courtesy of her shipping insurance husband), who was also on the search for a holiday/retirement home. What she couldn't tell us about Liverpool in the sixties, including Ringo going out with one of her best mates from the local supermarket and seeing all the Beatles perform and walking around the city centre like they owned the place, wasn't worth knowing.

So, Torri saved us. The beach, the sun, The Poseidon beach and beach bar/restaurant, our haunt for 3 days, all contrived to clear the cobwebs and banish the frustrations of coming to terms that this wasn't the place we will retire to.

Would Virginia Woolf choose Blackpool over death?

posted by Darren | 6:36 PM

Sunday, April 06, 2003  

Currently bimbling about, meaning to pack and get organised. We leave at 6pm for the 9pm flight to Malaga from London Stansted and we haven't really got ourselves sorted out yet. We travel light, so it hasn't yet become a big deal, but with 3 hours to go, we'd better get ourselves in gear, I suppose.

Probably no posts from Dave or myself until Tuesday 15th April, but you never know. Andalucia has now caught up with all things 21st Century, so Internet Cafés should exist, right?

Happy Posting, Bloggers.

posted by Darren | 1:41 PM

London Mark talked on Friday about stressful times at University. I wanted to have a CAT Scan once, but the doctors at UCL told me to stop worrying about the intense headaches I was getting, that it was probably just anxiety and/or stress, to take 2 paracetomol and 2 ibuprofen at the same time, 4 times a day for 2-3 days. If the headache didn't go away, then come back. Seemed to be a less than satisfactory diagnosis, to me, at the time, but the headaches went away and I think I calmed down and relaxed more about events around me, after what I considered to be a sign to do so. Now my right eye just twitches sporadically when stressed out.

posted by Darren | 1:23 PM

Saturday, April 05, 2003  

Just lost a post about our holiday to Andalucia from tomorrow evening for ten days. It rambled on about castles in Spain, white-washed villages and Don Quixote. I'll come back to it if I can be bothered.

posted by Darren | 10:23 AM

Friday, April 04, 2003  

Took about an hour to download six tracks from Madonna's new album 'American Life'. 'twas OK, I didn't mind the wait, we were watching 'Burn It' on BBC THREE between 9 and 10 tonight. Rather good cable show, a kinda 'Cold Feet' for the twenty something generation (Yeah, we're in our thirties, but have always been partial to reminiscing about our youth), set in Manchester, England.

So, we get upstairs and they're all sitting there waiting to be transformed into pre-release, rythmic heaven by Windows Media Player.

Clever cow has only gone and played a practical joke on the whole world, so that all you get is Madonna saying, "What the fuck are YOU doin'?", followed by silence for 4 minutes, on every single track.....apart from the 'American Life' single.


posted by Darren | 10:58 PM

Thursday, April 03, 2003  

The Vatican published an ethical dictionary yesterday saying homosexuality has "no social value", warning against concepts such as "safe sex"... and insisting that condoms don't protect against sexually transmitted diseases.

"The irony of this vicious message against homosexuality is that there are more gays per capita inside the Vatican than in most other countries."

- said Fabio Canino, a popular gay television presenter in Italy.

posted by Darren | 8:35 PM

Courtesy of Tom:

"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton",

UK Defence Minister Geoff Hoon said in The Commons this week.

"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr",

says a British Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.

Another soldier added:

"There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us.

It's more like Portsmouth."

posted by Darren | 8:03 PM

Wednesday, April 02, 2003  

Coronation Street and The Bill while surfing/blogging and, generally getting eye-strain and RSI


England vs. Turkey while snacking, downstairs on the sofa?

I'll let you know after the match.

posted by Darren | 6:43 PM

Tuesday, April 01, 2003  

blow wind blow
Today the summer was gone. Today a storm blew in across the British Isles.

I saw a young woman in a little, flower print dress and slingbacks, tiny handbag held above her head in a vain attempt to stave off the rain and wind. Blonde ambition bedraggled. Orange tan starting to run down her stick-thin legs. Expletive preponderence. Poor cow hadn't watched the weather reports last night. Amusing nonetheless.

posted by Darren | 9:23 PM